I find myself being really down in the dumps these days. When I say down in the dumps I mean dddddooooooowwwwnnnnnnnn……way down, bottom of my barrel down which is kind of saying a lot as in a fairly optimistic person. See I’ve been counting on one thing and I’ve waited patiently for it just knowing that this thing was going to happen and here it is the day that I was looking forward to and nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero.
I’m heart broken and upset over it which I know doesn’t solve anything or change anything but you know how it is, you want something and its just right there….if you can just reach a little further, stretch a little more, move this, stand on that and extend in that direction – – -I’ve been doing that and waiting. *sigh*
There have been many good things that have happened and I’ve not discounted them or over looked them, each mini victory and blessing comes with its own victory dance and celebration but this was to be my Christmas in July. I’m not going to give up…. I’m going to go with delayed, not denied but still it doesn’t stop the hurt and disappointment.
I know it’s darkest before the dawn and if I just get through this period I’ll see the bright lights and looking back on this time later in life I’ll be like hahaha and to think I did all that for just this little….. But the reward I will get from that one little thing will be soooo sweet, it will make all of this fretting and worry worth it. I’m not going to give up – I never do on things I want – I may cry a little but I won’t give up.
Who knows….July isn’t over yet, maybe I’ll still get my Christmas.
In life there are people that you meet, books you read, pictures or sights you see that inspire you to be a better person. That feeling may last a few minutes or a lifetime but when it happens you know.
I’ve found inspiration in a lot of things from awe inspiring art work, to heartfelt prose. I’ve found inspiration watching waves crash on a beach, with the sound if each of my children’s heart beat while inside the womb to their first cries outside the womb. I’ve found different kinds of inspiration in different situations but with each and every new joy, with every new desire to do better, to be better I change a little more every time.
I’m getting to a point where for the first time EVER in my life I can look at me, where I’ve been and where I’m going and say man, I’m glad to be me! I thank each and every little inspiration I’ve met along the way for the lessons they’ve taught good and bad for without them I wouldn’t be half the person I am today.
(P.S. have you any idea how hard it is to take a picture of clouds with a cell phone while holding a fishing pole that’s getting a bite? Neither did I till I took this picture last Saturday)
There’s been a lot on my mind lately and every time I try to steal a moment to write these thoughts or ideas down something happens then the moment is gone. So I am taking this moment now to get this out there.
Stereotypes are stupid traps that people tend to fall for. The other day as I was watching cartoons with my kids one of my sons asked why the people who talk like his Daddy are always dumb on TV shows. My reply: because someone who doesn’t really know anybody from the South thinks that Southerns are uneducated and do a lot of stupid things. To which my son said, ” my Daddy isn’t stupid and neither is the rest of my family. I don’t want to watch this cartoon anymore because IT’S stupid!” With that comment the TV was turned off and we went outside and played in the yard.
But it got me thinking…..what kind of garbage are we feeding our children where even in the cartoons they watch they are led to believe that one type is better than another? City folks are better than country folks? I disagree. I’m from the city and there are somethings I’m better at (in the city) than my husband. My husband is from the country and there’s things that are “country” that he’s waaaayyyy better at than me. Does that make either of us better than the other? Nope, not one bit. There’s value and lessons to be learned from both which is why we’ve agreed to let our children experience both.
He’s white, I’m black, our children are bi racial. He’s not better than me or I than him and our children aren’t inferior to us both, it’s just the way our family is. I am so tired of people saying this is better or that is better. In the end we are all people as long as we love each other and others what difference does race make? What difference does it make where you where born or where you went to school? The ONLY part that should matter is your character as a human. Do you treat others fairly? Are you slow to judge? Is there tolerance for those who are different within you? These are the things children need to learn. There’s enough ugly, mean spirited, hateful people out there and until we teach ourselves and our offspring how to be the change everyone keeps claiming they want Southerns will continue to be portrayed as dumb and whites will be superior to other races. Homosexuals will forever be persecuted, bi racial children will be ill begotten offspring and the world will continue to rotate on its axis.
Be a REAL positive change, show someone different from you that you understand they are human too by extending a smile, a handshake or even friendly conversation. You may be surprised to find out that “dumb redneck” has a PhD and that “smart” city person dropped out of school in the 8th grade. Be a difference maker not just with words but with your actions. Children the world over are watching us and learning from our examples.
Life comes with tough decisions. Most of the time the decisions I make are emotional as well as logical. I’m one of those people who likes to think of just about every possible outcome before I decide to do something especially if its going to impact or affect other people.
Recently there was a logical decision that was made that pretty much ripped my heart apart. Do something for the good of one or do a different thing for the good of the group. These are the single worst decisions to make, they hurt all the way through to the core because no matter what is decided it feels like you’re letting someone down and then for me I had to weigh if the whole thing was really worth whatever potential hurt it could or would cause. These things have been weighing heavily on me and causing me some emotional constipation.
I wonder if the decision made was made at the right time, I wonder how things would of played out if other choices were made but ultimately I know that what was done and when was right it just hurts to walk away. Heart pain is the worst pain, it takes time to get over and it’s not just a matter of”snapping out of it” its a matter of healing, picking up the pieces or mending the hurt caused.
I’m beginning my healing process and hoping that it goes smoothly. I hope that my heart doesn’t ache forever and that the pain will go away. I hope that with time there will be understanding, with understanding acceptance, and with acceptance a new beginning.
I’ve been taking a bit of a break here lately from pretty much everything. I’m trying to take some time to reconnect with myself, in this quest for whatever, I’ve come to notice that I’m scattered. Literally all over the place. I may be in one spot but my mind is racing all over the place at what feels like the speed of light. There’s so much I’m trying to download, process, sort through, figure out and compress that I’m just overwhelmed. Not nearly as much as I was a few weeks ago but I’ve got a ways to go.
There’s been so many things that have happened that I just pushed my thoughts or feelings to the side and didn’t take the time to process right then and there that I’ve become fragments if myself. Every once in awhile I’ll see a reflection of my true self in something that’s going on or being said and I have to smile inside. I know the woman I love is in here under all this clutter, mixed emotions and excess baggage I’ve just got to keep on sorting, sifting, and processing until she’s able to shine.
When I finally reach her I know that I will again be like my picture, a whole balanced reflection of all the thing I love about me -with my shades of light and dark, the things that are open as well as the parts that are hidden. I’m looking forward to that time but until then I’ll continue to sort through the puzzle pieces and piece by piece, section by section to finish a wonderful masterpiece.