I am 38 which to most means I’m a grown up. I have responsibilities and people that I have to make sure I provide for but I’m not a grown up on the inside. I like to play and do super fun things with my kiddos, I like to keep myself young and not take myself to seriously. To my way of thinking the minute you start taking yourself super seriously and start putting yourself before others is the minute you start loosing your youth. I don’t ever want to get to a point where I can’t laugh at myself, stop learning or stop having fun…. In other words I don’t want to be a grown up. Yeah, it’s my label but its not my life. I’m still exploring just who I am and where I fit into this giant puzzle people call life. From what I’ve been told knowing where you fit in and finding your special niche is part of being grown up if that’s really a parameter I’m still just a kid. I’m still in college, still exploring where I wanna go and who I want to be. I want to be a nurse and maybe a hairstylist and maybe a make up artist and maybe a chef or a baker and…..and…….and….there are so many things to do be and explore I don’t want to be tied down to just one. Is that a sign of a grown up? Yeah I didn’t think so.
Maybe all of this is just to say being a grown up is a mental process. It’s what you think you are or believe yourself to be and right now today I declare I’m not a grown up!
I’ve spent the last 18 or so years of my life trying to decided what I’m going to be when I grow up. I’ve tried on a few hats found some things I excel at, found even more things I suck at…but I still haven’t found that thing that brings a smile to my face every time I head out the door. I know its out there somewhere because we’ve met before. The only problem is the job that use to make me so happy got rolled into another job, that got rolled into another job and at some point I gave up on trying to keep up.
So here I am again…back at square one but this time I’m being grown up (aka smart) about it. This time I’m going to school to be something that people will need in the days and years to come. I have another degree that I thought was a high demand high need type thing but then found out not so much….so this time I decided to springboard myself. I’m going to school for one thing to get my foot in the door then I’m going back in 2 years to get an advanced degree, which I can build upon from there. Smart huh? Only thing is I’m not sure it will bring me the joy I’m looking for.
With 4 kids I understand the importance of working, without money we have no home, no food, no car, no clothes but at the same time I don’t want to just work. That leads to almost immediate burn out. I want to like what I’m doing and where I’m doing it at. I want to be able to leave each day with a since of satisfaction in myself for a job well done.
Is that asking to much? It’s possible but is that what I’m going to continue to strive for? You betcha! One day I will grow up (maybe) and when I do I will know how to do a whole bunch of things that may or may not come in handy. Hopefully sometime in between here and there I find whatever it is I’m looking for and am able to do it with all the joy and satisfaction my heart possesses.
When I was younger I had a cherished nickname, I loved it and it was so fitting to me and the person I was. I was a happy, bouncy, vivacious young person.
As I git older people started telling me I couldn’t be that way anymore because I was a young lady, I was a woman, I was a mom and that sort of behavior was unacceptable so I stopped being me and started wearing all these other hats…. Soldier, mom, parent, provider, responsible adult, wife. With each hat I drifted further away from me.
Now at 38 I want some if that bouncy, vivaciousness back. I know I still have other hats to wear but one day my kids will be out on their own, living their own lives and I won’t know who I am or where I fit because I surrendered myself to be who everyone else told me I needed to be.
I guess some would call it a midlife crisis I call it an awakening. In Wednesday my oldest child will be 17…just one year shy of leaving the nest. That’s a long time to be cut off from who I really am.
Every once in awhile that playful girl comes out and those who have never met her are taken by surprise at how hyper and fun she is but those who know her best are overjoyed at her return…never as much as I am though.
I love myself enough to know that u need to find me before its to late and I loose myself under the weight of these hats. I need to bounce around and be me before I forget who I am and who I can be. I don’t want to loose my playfulness nor the energy that keeps me young. I want to be brave enough to say I will conform to this point and then you can suck rotten eggs so that’s what I’m going to do. Those things that I’ve denied myself because people say you shouldn’t like that or shouldnt be like that…well guess what I’m gonna start doing them cuz that’s just part of who I am.