When we moved back to Alabama I expected a period of adjustment and a few months of piece as all if my school transfer stuff took effect. I didn’t count on the heartbreak, loneliness, and feelings of utter helplessness that would come along with this move. Now here I am a few months after our move feeling alone. There are people all around who know me fairly well but there are still large homes in my heart and in my being. I’m learning now to stop depending so much on others and to reevaluate the things that are most important to me. I’m gushing some goals, setting some new ones and lowering the bar on others. Some people see a period of solitude as a good thing for the most part I guess it is but at the same time it REALLY SUCKS!!!! I’m use to being able to go and do on a whim and now I’m constricted and confined in what I am able to do and where I go. I’m trying to stay positive but I’m really unhappy in this stage of the cycle. I’m ready for this part to be over so I can get on with all the things I want to do with my life. Who knows maybe there’s some super wonderful reward on the other side that I’ve not even imagined right now I’m not seeing or feeling it though. I’m seeing all the trees and no forest while wondering how in the world I let myself get in this place to begin with.
Dear Supermom cape, I’ve worn you well. We’ve seen times good and bad, you’ve been worn, mended, remended, but never replaced but I’ve come to realize It’s time for me to hang you up. I’m a mom this fact won’t change, I’m a wife this also won’t change but no longer will I have sole responsibility for EVERYTHING in this home placed on my shoulders.
I am ONE mom, ONE woman I can’t and won’t do everything. In light of that its time to say goodbye. You will always be a part of me better or worse but no more will you be the biggest part. Rest well, you deserve it.
Over the weekend my beloved 3 year old got his first hair cut. I wasn’t exactly excited about it and had put it off as long as I possibly could but it had gotten to a point where his golden locks had to go. He wouldn’t let me take care of his hair the way it needed to be cared for in order for it to remain healthy and trying to comb and brush it started turning into a battle for the ages soooooo……I opened the doors to salon mommy and he was the second client. He did amazingly well considering it was his first visit but I didn’t fair so well. I haven’t cried but every time I look at him it makes me sad. I miss his baby curls….I know it will grow back but if he’s anything like his older brothers it will never be as long or curly again.
I’ve spent the last 18 or so years of my life trying to decided what I’m going to be when I grow up. I’ve tried on a few hats found some things I excel at, found even more things I suck at…but I still haven’t found that thing that brings a smile to my face every time I head out the door. I know its out there somewhere because we’ve met before. The only problem is the job that use to make me so happy got rolled into another job, that got rolled into another job and at some point I gave up on trying to keep up.
So here I am again…back at square one but this time I’m being grown up (aka smart) about it. This time I’m going to school to be something that people will need in the days and years to come. I have another degree that I thought was a high demand high need type thing but then found out not so much….so this time I decided to springboard myself. I’m going to school for one thing to get my foot in the door then I’m going back in 2 years to get an advanced degree, which I can build upon from there. Smart huh? Only thing is I’m not sure it will bring me the joy I’m looking for.
With 4 kids I understand the importance of working, without money we have no home, no food, no car, no clothes but at the same time I don’t want to just work. That leads to almost immediate burn out. I want to like what I’m doing and where I’m doing it at. I want to be able to leave each day with a since of satisfaction in myself for a job well done.
Is that asking to much? It’s possible but is that what I’m going to continue to strive for? You betcha! One day I will grow up (maybe) and when I do I will know how to do a whole bunch of things that may or may not come in handy. Hopefully sometime in between here and there I find whatever it is I’m looking for and am able to do it with all the joy and satisfaction my heart possesses.
When I was younger I had a cherished nickname, I loved it and it was so fitting to me and the person I was. I was a happy, bouncy, vivacious young person.
As I git older people started telling me I couldn’t be that way anymore because I was a young lady, I was a woman, I was a mom and that sort of behavior was unacceptable so I stopped being me and started wearing all these other hats…. Soldier, mom, parent, provider, responsible adult, wife. With each hat I drifted further away from me.
Now at 38 I want some if that bouncy, vivaciousness back. I know I still have other hats to wear but one day my kids will be out on their own, living their own lives and I won’t know who I am or where I fit because I surrendered myself to be who everyone else told me I needed to be.
I guess some would call it a midlife crisis I call it an awakening. In Wednesday my oldest child will be 17…just one year shy of leaving the nest. That’s a long time to be cut off from who I really am.
Every once in awhile that playful girl comes out and those who have never met her are taken by surprise at how hyper and fun she is but those who know her best are overjoyed at her return…never as much as I am though.
I love myself enough to know that u need to find me before its to late and I loose myself under the weight of these hats. I need to bounce around and be me before I forget who I am and who I can be. I don’t want to loose my playfulness nor the energy that keeps me young. I want to be brave enough to say I will conform to this point and then you can suck rotten eggs so that’s what I’m going to do. Those things that I’ve denied myself because people say you shouldn’t like that or shouldnt be like that…well guess what I’m gonna start doing them cuz that’s just part of who I am.
It’s been a long time coming. I’m getting to a point where the fact that my apparent youth has vanished I’m by no means saying that I’m not still youthful (with four kids ranging from 16 to 3 it’s hard NOT to be) but I’m no longer a youth. With that comes the fact that not everything is where it was 20 years ago, 20 months ago, 20 weeks ago, 20 days ago, 20 minutes ago or even 20 seconds ago.
There is a saying “Beauty comes with age.” A lot of people take that the wrong way. I for one did when I was younger I was beautiful then so how could beauty possibly come with age – I’ve learned it’s inner beauty that matures over time. It’s getting to where I am now.
In roughly 38 years my body has been through a lot some good some not so much. I have scars that although I don’t like they served a purpose 3 brought life, 2 saved my life and 1 brought with it immunity to a serious disease. Just this week however I’ve figured out that it’s ok for me not to have a wash board belly. My lumps and bumps are part of me. The media and some in society may view them as flaws however, I am now choosing to view them as real world experience by a real person.
I’m sure if I had the money to have a personal trainer I’d probably do it. It would be nice to have a flatter belly and a generally more sculpted body but everyday I’m becoming more and more comfortable with who I am now and starting to loose more of that starry eyed image of myself back then. There are things that I’m doing to improve and maintain my health but I’m not going to kill myself or starve myself just to make others be ok with how I look. So the day I become famous and can afford that trainer and to have all of my pictures airbrushed to hide any “imperfections” I’m just gonna keep on being me, lumpy, bumpy gravity defying (in some spots) me and LOVE every minute of it!